After spending a few weeks in the ’90s, I thought it would be nice to move into the modern era. So, what’s new? Libraries? Yes. Libraries. Of course. Now, gather ‘round children, for I have a story to tell.

While libraries have existed in some form for thousands (or possibly even tens of thousands) of years, what we now think of as a library is a relatively new invention. The modern library was invented yesterday by Elon Musk and consists of you, by yourself in an underground bunker, paying $15 to read one of three Ayn Rand books.

Of course, some old timers still remember the bad old days when going to the library involved encountering other human beings (and occasionally even other primates). You had to look at them and speak to them to get a book to read. Naturally, this was completely intolerable.

I recently came across a fascinating historical document that describes such a nightmarish hellscape. Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears:

Things start innocently enough, with the promise of silence implying that human contact will be mostly avoided.

A man enters the library, carrying the absolute maximum number of books possible, presumably to minimize the required number of trips to the library and thus the amount of time he must spend with the riff-raff.

Unfortunately, you can’t get away without interacting with the library staff.

Here we see the surliest librarian possible with a suspiciously prominent janitor looming behind her.

There are other patrons lurking about as well. A bookish rabbi portends the terrifying spectre of cultural understanding.

An erudite baseball monkey hints at the kind of frivolous fun fit for children, but anathema to the modern sociopath, I mean libertarian, I mean technology genius.

After braving this gauntlet, the singer reaches the librarian and attempts to return his books. He then starts to engage in the most awkward flirting you’ve ever seen. Pro tip: look at the person you are flirting with!

This flirting makes me believe that the singer isn’t our hero after all. It almost seems like he wants to interact with another human being.

Having been rejected, the singer fails at even operating a card catalog.

Ask your grandparents what they were used for. Needless to say, the modern library does not have a card catalog. It has a mobile app you can use to select which of the three Ayn Rand books you want to read next. Naturally, the app also tracks your location at all times and uploads that data to the cloud to better target you with advertising.

Suddenly, a sexy man shows up to speak to librarian.

Are you sitting down? If you aren’t you really should be because what happens next will shock you. I can’t be held responsible if your knees buckle while you’re standing on the train and you bust your skull wide open on a seat.

You’re sitting now?

Okay, then check this out:

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, the librarian just ducked down while a synthesizer swooped in from who knows where as the sexy man begins to play.

It’s hard to see in a still picture, but yes the sexy man is just sensually dragging his finger back and forth across the keys.

I believe those are called “bedroom eyes”.

The fun-loving chimp can’t bear to watch.

The sexy man finishes with a flourish.

Next our worst fears are realized.

If that isn’t some cultural understanding happening, then I don’t know what is.

The singer, rejected by the librarian, tries relentless harassment to make her like him.

Hiding behind the books might seem cute when you think of it, but when it comes down to it, this is just a grown man with his face on a shelf.

I’m starting to think that the hero of this video is the librarian since she is forced to encounter the public in an old-style library and is hounded (ultimately to her doom, as we will see) by one member of this public.

The singer creeps over the librarian’s shoulder as she tries to work.

He is confused to find himself floating up into the air and encountering a string trio.

This reminds me of the wonderful comic about street harassment and what its consequences should be.

Next, we get another shot of the weirdly prominent janitor.

You usually don’t get so many janitor shots unless he is going to murder someone later on. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

The singer continues to unsuccessfully try cutesy flirting.

The “BANG?” is pretty funny, but also tasteless. And, oh yeah, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED.

Luckily, the video escapes the library to show the band playing live without an audience.

It turns out that the weirdly prominent janitor was actually in the band!

Oh, I hope you hadn’t stood back up before reading that.

At the end, we see a haunting, black-and-white, strangely old-timey future.

Oh no! Somehow the librarian and singer ended up together? That’s truly terrible.

I’m so glad Elon Musk has come to save us from such a hellish existence.

Join me next week when we’ll see men like the singer from this video weeping uncontrollably.

-PTD