I told my boss that I used to be in a band. He asked as a joke, “Was it creative differences?” Let me tell you, creative differences are no joke. If everyone in a band does not agree on their goals as a band, creatively or not, then there is a serious problem. If half the group wants to play local bars while the other half wants to be famous there will be conflicts. Creatively, if half the band wants to make fun party music and the other half wants to be compared to Mozart there will be serious conflicts.

How, you ask, your left eyebrow rising inquisitively while your right buttock instantly falls asleep, could a band stay together for more than two weeks with those types of creative differences? Who knows? Van Halen did it for ten years, though.

See creative differences in action. Jump by Van Halen:

There are two distinct groups in the band. The first consists of the singer and bassist/golden-throated background singer Michael Anthony.

They represent the values of a traditional rock band, mainly having fun and making fun music.

The second contingent consists of these two assholes.

They represent the values of showing off, unnecessary complexity, and general boring-ness.

Just take a look at the drummer’s kit. He has such a bewildering array of drums and cymbals that there is no way he uses them all. He is trying to make it seem like he is such a technical genius that he carefully selects from one of 12 differently tuned tom-toms. The truth is that he just hits which ever one is closest at hand when he needs it.

Wait, is that a gong behind him? God, that’s terrible.

The singer and Michael Anthony, though, don’t need a huge amount of fancy equipment. The most advanced thing they have is the singer’s hair.

During the first half of the video the forces of good hold sway. Everyone is having fun and everything looks traditional.

The singer does the splits.

Also, even though the whole song is basically all keyboard no one is playing the keyboard. Why? Because rock bands don’t have keyboards. That’s why! This video is all live-without-an-audience and it is probably one of the least appropriate Van Halen songs for this treatment because it is very much not live.

See how much fun they are having! I’m having fun too.

The fun is infectious. Even the guitar player is roped in temporarily.

Jump!

There’s a great set of lines at the beginning of the second verse that are kind of funny where the singer converses with himself. It starts with his face upside down.

Then he looks around, confused.

Awesome.

There is also a huge amount of jumping. The singer is extremely flexible.

More jumping.

Even more jumping.

At this point I am having a lot of fun, but the fun is about to end. The four bass drums in the drummer’s kit portend doom. Why would he have four bass drums? It is the stupidest thing I or anyone else has ever heard of. Or will ever hear of.

The fun truly dies when the guitar solo starts.

The guitar player in Van Halen is terrible at guitar. Oh, he is proficient, but he has no musical sense whatsoever. The guitar solo has no melody and consists entirely of fast playing for no reason. It isn’t interesting to listen to at all. I think the audience is supposed to be impressed with how fast he can play, but I don’t find it particularly impressive.

We finally get to see who is playing the keyboard and it turns out to be the guitar player.

He looks so smug.

Rather than playing the catchy riff of the song he plays repetitive arpeggios at high speeds.

So you can appreciate just how fast he is playing we get an extreme close up of his right hand.

This part of the song is painfully boring. The singer and Michael Anthony understand this. They try desperately to be interesting for us.

They are interesting but it can’t save us from this man:

His drum kit is stultifying. Why would you ruin a fun song with your stupidly enormous drum kit? Why?

Luckily the video ends with another jump.

According to Wookieepedia, “Rodian culture was obsessed with violence and death, due to behaviors and practices that were ingrained since their earliest ancestry.” This doesn’t explain Van Halen. According to Wikipedia, the album containing Jump, 1984, was Van Halen’s last album as a regular rock band. After that they switched to being a Sammy Hagar-based band. (Fun fact: Sammy Hagar literally cannot drive 55 miles an hour. His car goes straight from 54 to 56.) This video shows why. Creative differences.

-PTD

Isn’t sarcasm funny? Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha. No. It is not. So why do bands and terrible internet bloggers use it? It beats actually saying what you mean, that’s why. Positive assertions of belief are much more difficult than innuendo and winking.

Shiny Happy People by R.E.M. is not about actual happy people. Only Queen could pull off a non-sarcastic song about a group of people who are very happy for nice reasons. So what is the song about? According to Wookieepedia, “Shortly before the Battle of Yavin, BoShek set a new record for the Kessel Run, taking bragging rights from his friends Han Solo and Chewbacca.” Okay, that’s not helpful. Let’s check Wikipedia. “The song was released in 1991, two years after the Tiananmen Square uprising when the Chinese government clamped down on student demonstrators, killing hundreds of them.” I don’t see how that is related to anything but I’m going to go ahead and say that any song about Tiananmen Square is probably not too genuinely upbeat.

The music video, on the other hand, is quite earnestly happy. Check it out.

Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.:

This video just makes me feel good. I don’t care what anyone says! Also, everyone knows that the Kessel Run is not a good measure of pilot skill. Only a Tatooine canyon run can test that.

The video opens with two toy drum-playing monkeys.

They sit over the shoulder of an old man riding a bicycle-based contraption.

Here we see its operation. It moves a screen with images on it.

We also see that the chain has a distinct bow to it. People, if you have a single speed bicycle the chain should move in a straight line from your chain ring to your sprocket. This is important.

Next we see a dancing body in front of a moving screen with images on it.

Could it be the same screen with images on it that the old man is moving? I am literally waiting on tenterhooks to find out.

There’s a woman’s body dancing in front of that same screen.

Close up of some of the screen. Are those the shiny happy people?

We get to see the head of the dancing man.

Why is he wearing his hat at that angle? Yuck. Also, his whole outfit is color coordinated in a way that is very off-putting. Just look at his necklace. Puke.

We see the dancing woman’s head.

Her outfit is much better executed. She is dressed like a 1960s country star.

The whole band plays together.

Note that the drummer is just holding a single drum like the guy in [the Minutemen video I wrote about earlier](/posts/drop-bomb-this-aint-no-picnic- by/). Awesome.

Here’s a close up of that drummer. His unibrow is majestic and seems to be a different color from his hair.

The mandolin player (your band absolutely must have a mandolin player) looks wistfully into the distance.

The bass player is much more engaged and has sweet glasses.

He does not, though, know how to play a stand-up bass. Has he ever seen a picture of someone playing a stand-up bass? It should be much higher. There’s even a pin in the bottom of the bass that pulls out so you can adjust the height! Do a little research! Then you won’t make an ass of yourself. Ass.

The mandolin player, whilst remaining wistful, now has a playful look on his face.

At this point in the song the old man is pretty tired. A girl brings him a glass of something.

Presumably poison.

He drinks from it gratefully, glad that his journey is soon at an end.

He then returns to the bike.

The band is now joined by a large number of dancing people.

One of whom is on stilts for some reason.

A young boy in red gets confused and stops dancing. He looks down in panic.

Behind him, a boy with amazing flip-up glasses continues dancing diligently.

The synchronized dancing eventually breaks up and there is complete dance anarchy.

Look at them dance!

It appears that the singer has rescued that boy in red.

The old man pointlessly looks on, pretending to smoke a pipe.

This video is pretty stupid, but there is something about the earnest way everyone dances that really gets to me. I also really love how the mandolin player looks into the distance the whole time like he is embarrassed. I think finding the right energy for your music video is really important and R.E.M. successfully found it for this one. It makes me happy people. Not shiny, though.

-PTD

Metal bands in from the ’80s are frequently referred to as “hair metal” bands. This is not meant as a compliment. It implies that the band is all about image and appearance, not about the music. In reaction to this, bands that wanted to be taken seriously like Metallica, Anthrax, and Megadeth (how these bands expected to be taken seriously with the most laughable names possible is another question) dressed in jeans and had unruly eyebrows. Of course the dudes in Metallica were just as image conscious as the guys in bands like Cinderella, Warrant, or Ratt, but since they weren’t trying to look like rock stars we’re supposed to pretend that they got dressed each morning without thinking about how other people would interpret their appearance.

Poison is considered one of the most hair of the hair metal bands. Much is made of the fact that the drummer, Rikki Rockett (Real name: Rikki O’Roxx McRockett. Management said it was too Irish.), used to be a hairdresser. So what? Does that mean he is gay and thus Poison is not a real metal band? What about Judas Priest? Their lead singer is gay and they are one of the most metal bands around. Do they mean that he had a job normally held by women? Joan Jett rocks harder than most metal bands and she is a woman so that can’t be what they mean. I think we’re just supposed to know that being a hairdresser is bad due to innuendo and subtle winks.

I hate that shit. Poison rocks ass.

Talk Dirty To Me by Poison:

What is the theme of this video? Poison are bad boys, but not too bad. Poison is just bad enough to be fun, but not so bad that anything bad happens. This is perfect. The message of the song is that Poison really wants to have sex with a woman, but the sex is consensual and monogamous. Poison wants to get drunk and party, but they won’t shit in your closet or anything. As a result Poison appeals to everyone and is pretty much the perfect rock band.

The video opens with two old people sitting around watching a Poison video. Makes sense.

The phone rings. Apparently it is Poison’s singer calling for their daughter. They like him.

The scene shifts to the singer on the other end of the line. He is smiling because he is talking to a woman who wants to have sex with him.

Apparently this makes him a bad boy. Guess what, dudes, women like to have sex too.

That pointless introduction over, we get to see two members of the band high- fiving whilst spitting beer into the air.

Awesomely pointless.

This video has a lot of synchronized moves, which I love. Here the singer, guitar player, and bass player all kick in unison.

We also get a lot of close-ups of the drummer. This video does a good job of showing us all the band members and giving them a chance to have some fun.

The drummer has two people holding snare drums behind him. He alternates between those and the one on his drum kit.

The drummer also does some ridiculous arm flailing.

The drum part for this song is pretty basic so he gets to have some fun with it and show off. Look at his toms, too. See those blocky faces painted on them? The drummer is quite the entertainer. He’s having fun and wants us to have fun, too. Isn’t that what music videos are all about?

The singer has his microphone on a stand, but the stand is not connected to a piece to put on the floor. This allows him to do synchronized moves with the guitar player and drummer with the microphone as his instrument.

When he’s not doing that he is jumping on top of one the other band members.

There’s a lot of grabbing and hugging in this video. It’s like everyone always really wants to be in the shot.

Just like this:

The band is on a huge stage, but they spend half the time jammed together. I love it! It makes it seem like the band actually likes each other.

The drummer has a hard time moving around, but he tries to make his arm movements interesting.

Fascinating arm movements there, dude.

The bass player tries to compete by performing interesting leg movements.

Now is the time for the guitar solo. Poison correctly understands that most metal guitar solos are terrible. Check out [this guitar solo](/posts/cold-for- preacher-hot-for-teacher-by/) to see what I mean. So they do two things. First, they keep it mercifully short. Second, the solo has an actual melody. Melody! In a pop song! I know, right?

The guitar player plays the first few notes on one guitar and then throws it away.

Don’t worry! He has a spare guitar behind him.

He does the inexplicably common running-around-in-a-circle-while-on-the-ground guitar move.

Poison does not hesitate to use cliched moves like this. The reason this is a cliche is that people love it. So why not do it?

While writing this blog there is one thing that I have discovered is my real love in music videos. That is people falling down accidentally. The drummer stands up to hit a cymbal and falls off his drum riser.

Hilarious!

The final chorus includes some guitar fills which the guitar player plays while everyone else jams into the shot with him.

The thumbs up makes us think that the video is over.

It is not. That is not ridiculous enough.

Instead, the band has two huge fireballs shoot up while they jump off the drum riser.

Now that is an ending.

In the movie Amadeus , Salieri points out to Mozart that he didn’t even put a big crash at the end of his songs to let the audience know when to clap. Poison does not make that mistake here. And why wouldn’t they do that? They are unabashedly entertainers. Everything they do in this video is meant to be entertaining. So many other bands aren’t willing to admit that this is their goal, but it should be. That is why Poison is so good. They never do anything bad just to prove their artistry or musicianship.

This is also why Poison doesn’t look ridiculous today in the way that Dokken or Yngwie Malmsteen do. They just get up there, have a good time, and talk dirty to us. And I love it.

-PTD