I’ve always liked I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. I like the name Right Said Fred and I like how the song sounds. It’s not trying to be anything it’s not. For the most part the video is the same way, but unfortunately they didn’t know exactly what they were about.

Here it is:

It’s so much fun!

You have this guy, who sings:

I love everything about him except the hoop earring. I’m not a big earring fan in general, and it makes it look like he has something hanging off his face.

This man is sexy.

Everyone knows it. They all want to take his picture.

He likes to frolic about in a typically sexy fashion. Here someone rips the shirt right off his back.

The person determined that he is too sexy for that shirt. He is in physical pain as a result. It really hurts him! Thank god that guy came to the rescue.

You have to be really sexy to pull off this look:

Most people would look ridiculous leaning out of a convertible with an enormous hat. Not this dude. He is extremely confident and sexy, so he looks great!

Not everyone agrees, though. Some people think he’s too sexy for that hat.

So he ties a string to the hat…

…and pulls the hat right off his head! WHAAAAAAAAAT?

The song features some excellent dancing.

It also has really good lyrics. “I’m too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan.”

This is what they show for Japan:

This is not how I envision Japan. I guess if you’re extremely sexy the world just seems different.

So that’s all the awesome stuff the video gets right. What does it get wrong? First, did you know that Right Said Friend is like a band with members and everything? I know right?

There’s a bass player who is also sexy. Then there is a guitar player who does not fit in at all.

He looks like an aging member of The News.

He also might be the DJ?

See him there in the background? Who cares about these guys? There clearly isn’t a lot going on here artistically. I don’t expect every studio musician who plays on a Madonna song to appear in the video, so what are these guys doing here?

The other problem is the women!

If I want to see sexy women in bikinis there are three million, two-hundred- fifty-one thousand, nine-hundred-eighty videos for me to watch. I want to see this:

If you can’t tell, that is an extreme close-up of the singer’s pecs through a mesh shirt. H-O-T.

There’s also this shot that is used about a hundred times in the video:

They should have concentrated on these shots and gotten rid of the women all together. They are a distraction. Are Right Said Fred worried that people will think they are gay? Who cares? Also, everyone thinks they are gay no matter how many women are around. There’s no fooling us.

Just keep it fun, keep the muscular men scantily clad, and get rid of your fake musicianship. Good job guys…

…and have fun.

-PTD

The Beatles said they were bigger than Jesus. MC Hammer said that he made Jackson Pollack look like Norman Rockwell. Samuel Adams said he was the white Paul Revere. Fastball stayed humble. They didn’t make the mistakes of those artists whose careers were ultimately ruined by hubris.

“I don’t want to be president, Superman, or Clark Kent.” That is the first line of this song. While the line is entirely nonsensical, it does imply some sort of modesty. Fastball just want to be themselves; they just want to personify the rain that comes down, impregnates Danae, and looks through your window from your fire escape.

What Fastball wants, though, is irrelevant. They weren’t defeated by hubris, but the opposite. They were too down to earth. So down to earth that fans had direct access to them and their bodies.

Fire Escape by Fastball:

This video was shot in my house using much of my homemade Fastball paraphernalia. It depicts a women/Fastball super fan who surrounds herself with Fastball stuff and is so obsessed with them that she kills them and keeps their corpses around the house. [Yesterday](/posts/new-format-all-fastball- all-time-out-of/) I talked about how Fastball is dead and is making music videos in memoriam. I had a few ideas of how they died, but now we know.

The video opens with this super fan/serial killer getting ready for her day.

She is wearing a Fastball shirt and drinking out of a Fastball mug.

Fastball is on her TV ostensibly playing the “real” video for Fire Escape.

Wait, is the guitar player singing? What about the bass player’s ego? Maybe the bass player hired this woman to kill the whole band, he was so mad.

The super fan’s friend messages her asking what happened to Fastball. She is using some sort of instant messaging program that people used to use in the ancient days of the internet before everyone used gchat. Wait a second, is that a chat room?

Looking at this, maybe Fastball did perish of hubris. I have a strong feeling that nothing having to do with Fastball was ever “all over the news.” Also, ALL CAPS is very early internet.

The super fan ruins any surprise that might be in the video by revealing that they are all dead in her house. Maybe she’s joking, though. That would be a funny joke, right?

No. [There is nothing funny about Fastball being dead](/posts/new-format-all- fastball-all-time-out-of/).

I think the super fan might be a bit of a sociopath. Yeah, anyone might kill their favorite band and leave their bodies around her house, but look at this face she is making:

And she’s making it while working out and looking at this picture:

This picture features the drummer way too prominently. Who gives a shit about that guy? Do you know his name? I don’t. I’m not 100% positive that Fastball even bothered to give him a name. Why would you ever need to refer to him?

We see that the super fan had access to Fastball.

She is so excited. And Fastball is so excited that she is excited.

Too bad things didn’t work out. Here is the bass players body.

So peaceful.

I have no idea whose body this is:

Wait, were Fastball zombies and that why she killed them? In that case she is a hero, not a killer. Unfortunately, many heroes who kill zombie hoards are prosecuted as killers because society is not willing to accept that zombies exist and walk among us.

Now the director of the video decided to show off that he went to college for this shit. He turns the camera upside down!

WHOOOOOOAAAAAA! I don’t get it.

We get a clear shot of the bottom of the super fan’s shoes next. Things are getting a little bit weird.

Wait a second, are those taps on her shoes? This woman is crazy!

Now there is a shot of that dude from Entertainment Tonight (I believe his name is Glasses McMustache) talking about how Fastball is missing. He makes a joke about their song The Way. Haha! Puns.

They stop the song for this hilarious joke. [I hate this](/posts/roar-roar- roar-roar-at-devil-roar-by/). Just keep the song going! We care about the song!

We see the guitar player is dead, too.

That means that one guy who was dead earlier must have been the drummer. This is the power of deductive reasoning. We should be teaching our children deductive reasoning.

The super fan opens her closet door and chickens run out. She must keep them in their for Danzig-style rituals.

Danzig:

Super fan:

She also has a little shrine to Fastball set up in there, which is really weird when her whole house is like a shrine. This part is a little weird. Shouldn’t she be using their bodies in the rituals and not just their pictures? (Note to self: learn more about voodoo.)

Her ablutions and morning routines finished, she goes out to start her car/day. But the car won’t start!

At this point Fastball decides to ruin the whole video by breaking the fourth wall.

Why would they do this? Are they worried that we might think they are actually dead? If that is the case, why would they make that video for Out of My Head that clearly states that they died? Do they think that is funny? Haha! Hahahahaha. Ha. Wait, maybe they heard the term “post modern” and are trying to implement it in their lives. No matter what the reason, I wish the video ended with the super fan getting into her car and driving away to a normal day at her job. Then I’d be happy.

As it is, I’m so mad about this that I’m done with Fastball. I declare that starting tomorrow we will scrap this new format and return to writing about non-Fastball bands who can get through a video without ruining it. RUINERS!

-PTD

Remember when you were a senior in high school? I don’t. We probably didn’t even know each other then, so how could I remember you as a senior? Get it together people.

Anyways, at some point you had to watch a slideshow with pictures of everyone from your school (or at least the cool kids). Starting in 1997 this slideshow was always accompanied by “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” (remember to whisper the part in parentheses) by Green Day. Now, “Good Riddance Time of Your Life” is wildly inappropriate for these slideshows. The title is extremely creepy and the song is generally a downer. It makes you think that everyone in those pictures is probably dead.

Fastball looked at this situation and said, “We want our song to play to pictures of dead high school kids.” So they wrote a sad song and made a music video that strongly implies that the members of the band are dead. Take a look at the music video for “You Know You’re Right” by Nirvana. That is a song that is not very good so Nirvana didn’t release it during Kurt Cobain’s lifetime. Much after his death people decided that it doesn’t matter whether the stuff is good or not and they make money either way. So it was released. They needed to make a music video for it, though, so they cut together a bunch of old footage of the band. This seems to be exactly what Fastball did for their video.

Here it is, posthumous video for Fastball’s “Out Of My Head”:

My heart goes out to their families.

What we have here is some live performance footage from various different shows plus what appear to be home movies. Towards the beginning we see some kids and a woman in front of some American flags.

That image strongly reminds me of this:

Those brave little kids.

We see two of the members of the band standing in front of a different American flag, staring off into the distance.

The third member of the band is conspicuously absent. He must have died first. The first line of the song is, “Sometimes I feel like I am drunk behind the wheel.” This gives us a clue of how he died.

Next we get some home movies of the singer.

See how young and vibrant he was? How could he have known that his time would be cut short? How could he have known that jumping into a fireplace was less fun and more dangerous than it looks?

Ah, that’s how. It looks like his older sister told him, “Don’t jump in the fireplace.” Good advice. He didn’t take it to heart, however.

The drummer, who naturally barely appears in the video at all, died a less violent death. He ate ice cream too fast and then immediately went swimming and died. He should have known about the dangers of ice cream.

Look at the pain in that child’s face. Have you ever seen a child with less joy holding an ice cream cone? He can’t fit it into his mouth and his head is splitting. The drummer forgot this precious childhood moment, which led to his doom.

Because the performance footage is from different shows we get to see different hairstyles, which is fun. Here is a long-haired singer, playing bass.

Here is a short-haired singer, playing keyboards.

No matter what his haircut, he was a wonderful person. It’s too bad, really.

R.I.P.

-PTD