Are you thinking about Fastball right now? Probably not, which is ridiculous. Fastball is an excellent band. Time magazine rated them the greatest musicians of the second millenium and The New York Times wrote, “[Fastball makes Mozart look like Milli Vanilli](http://static.guim.co.uk/sys- images/Music/Pix/pictures/2011/7/7/1310035408157/Milli-Vanilli- in-1990-006.jpg).” I’ve spent some time today thinking about Fastball and as a result I am changing the format of this blog. I will still discuss music videos, but only those by Fastball. Discussing a video by another band would be like seeing a play by David Mamet instead of Shakespeare. Everyone says Shakespeare is the best, don’t waste your time (check out my theater review blog when you get a chance!).

Fastball’s first (and best?) hit is “The Way”. It is about escape. What if you could be someone else, somewhere else? What if that someone and -where is totally awesome, literally all of the time? I’d say go for it.

Give it a shot. Watch “The Way” by Fastball:

You might notice a few things right away: 1. The song is so good that it is hard to concentrate on the visuals in the video the first 30 times you watch it. Go ahead and watch it 31 times, it’s worth it. 2. There are apparently only 3 people in Fastball. How do they get such a fat sound? 3. Stupid sideburns. I feel like 2 out of 3 of the members had a bet about who could have the worst possible sideburns. The bet was never settled so they were stuck with them. 4. The singer has an enormous ego. He did write what has been called “the greatest piece of music since Bach wrote Beethoven’s fifth symphony” so I guess I can understand.

The video opens with the three band members standing on the street watching TV.

Did people ever really do this? I feel like it is part of our cultural zeitgeist, but I don’t really know why. I don’t think I’ve ever seen people just standing on the sidewalk watching TV for more than a moment. Maybe we are supposed to assume that Fastball is homeless?

They are watching an exercise show.

In the show the woman is doing an exercise that is said to be great for strengthening your core muscles. Likely, though, the band is not picking up fitness tips but is intrigued by the way this exercise looks like sexual thrusting.

He looks hungry. For sex. Fastball has hit rock bottom at this point. They are so bored with their lives that they are lusting after TV women in the street. I think that’s what you do once your cardboard box is foreclosed on and restaurants have made it clear that you are no longer welcome to eat banana peels out of their dumpster.

He sees a flash of himself on TV, though.

He is confused. Did he really just see that? No he did not. He is suffering from rotting-banana-peel-related brain damage.

He starts to hallucinate and fully loses touch with reality. Just like in The Wizard From Oz, everything is suddenly in full color. This nicely coordinates with the second verse which is the same as the first but has a more open sound with more instruments and less sound filtering. This is a cool connection.

The band is driving around and singing. The guitar player plays guitar in the front seat while the drummer is stuck driving.

They come across some foxy babes in a trailer.

Note to younger readers: All the foxiest women are in trailers in the middle of the road.

The band breaks out their instruments and everyone gets funky.

The women don’t seem to even notice the singer’s terrible sideburns.

We get some special effects, too.

In this shot the camera pulls back a bit. The singer is still in the shot singing, but it’s hard to get a great view of him because the other people are a little distracting. Don’t worry, though! There is a solution. We get a little frame-in-frame here so we still have a close-up of the singer. I can’t believe the band didn’t break up the second they saw this video. I would have at least punched the singer in the face.

Now the scene switches to a different fantasy. They’ve filled up on trailer women and decided to upgrade to classier surroundings.

They are in some weird lounge. Everything is still very colorful.

Whilst there the guitar player decides to play a solo. The singer is not pleased.

“I can’t believe he is trying to hog the spotlight like this!” the singer thinks. “I better still be in this shot, or I swear I will eat my own sideburns. I don’t even care about the contest anymore.”

The final fantasy location is a rooftop. Man, that is awesome! I always wanted to go on a rooftop.

For reasons that are not explained, the guitar player spends most of his time on the rooftop running away. He’s probably worried about what the singer will do to him after he pulled that guitar solo stunt.

At the end of the video, the guitar player is so frightened he jumps off the rooftop.

They coordinate this slow-motion shot with a cool musical effect that also simulates slow motion. This is pretty sweet.

So this video doesn’t add too much to the song. You don’t learn anything new. The visuals heighten the musical effect, though, and make you notice musical things you might not normally notice. That’s pretty cool, but that’s what you expect from geniuses.

-PTD

It has been brought to my attention that my blog has only featured white people. This is certainly not on purpose! It is because my favorite genre of music is music played for white people by white people (FWPBWP). I think it is important to have diversity, though (affirmative action in action ), so I did a quick search for black musicians with light skin.

I found Lionel Richie:

Prince:

Barack Obama:

and Eagle-Eye Cherry:

Eagle-Eye Cherry seemed the least threatening (Richie is too perm-y, Prince is too sexy, and Obama is too president-y) so I’ll be talking about him and his only song of note: “Save Tonight”. You can expect this kind of fake diversity to continue in the future.

Have you ever encountered another human being? Aren’t they just intolerable?!? I met someone once and he was a real jerk. What if you were the only person in the world?

Paradise. “Save Tonight” by Eagle-Eye Cherry:

The premise of this video is that a man buys a bottle of wine. This triggers a series of events that are not particularly notable.

A man walks down the street, singing.

He enters a grocery store and brazenly steals a grape.

He grabs the aforementioned bottle of wine while singing the line, “a bottle of wine.”

Very evocative.

He then pays the cashier for the wine (and presumably not the grape) without waiting for the cashier to ring him up or make change.

Is this how things are done in Sweden? Did you know that Eagle-Eye Cherry is from Sweden? Did you know that his real name is Eagle-Eye Cherry? All of his countrymen have ridiculous names like Yngwie Malmsteen and his name is super cool. Legend has it his father gave him that name after a baby Eagle-Eye shot a hawk at 300 meters with a crossbow.

Now we see that the cashier is also Eagle-Eye Cherry!

He proceeds to do some of the worst pantomiming possible as he pretends to chop something.

It’s hard to convey in pictures just how poorly he is pretending here. He has no force behind his swings and would thus be unable to cut through anything.

Suddenly, a robber arrives with a gun to [break the law](/posts/my-daddy-was- bankrobber-breaking-law-by/)!

Eagle-Eye Cherry quickly puts his hands up. He still is holding a cleaver in his right hand, though, and is holding it at perfect striking height. He should be showing the robber why you shouldn’t bring a gun to a cleaver fight, but he just stands there. The robber also accepts that this cleaver poses no threat. Is this something Swedish shopkeepers do? Pretend to chop things with a fake cleaver?

The robber promptly turns his back to Eagle-Eye while he ransacks the cash register while Eagle-Eye continues to not kill him with a cleaver.

The robber runs out and we hear a crash.

What kind of car crash would result in this scene? The truck hit the robber hard enough to knock him down and at least partially senseless, yet did not knock him forward at all. Also, he is lying neatly exactly in front of the truck. I don’t think the robber was injured at all, but just got tired and decided to laid down in the street after the accident.

Now we see that the robber is also Eagle-Eye Cherry!

He is simultaneously helped to his feet and detained by some randos on the street. Note that the tag is still on the pantyhose on his head. Did he just steal those pantyhose before robbing the grocery store? What did he wear over his face while stealing the pantyhose? I feel like I need to learn more about robbers’ lives and how they get through the day.

The truck driver is also Eagle-Eye Cherry! Each time someone is also Eagle-Eye Cherry I get even more surprised!

He has a dog in his truck. His hat has a fake dog on it that looks just like his real dog.

That’s pretty cool. The dog is inexplicably not Eagle-Eye Cherry.

He drives off in the truck without speaking to the police, making it a hit- and-run. Another Eagle-Eye Cherry plays the guitar solo to not-particularly- enthusiastic onlookers.

Yet another Eagle-Eye Cherry is sleeping on the street. Upon waking he immediately reaches for a bottle of wine.

Finding it empty he smiles and sings.

He’s wearing the traditional bum-fire maximizing finger-less gloves. Is that why he’s smiling?

The original (and possibly real?) Eagle-Eye Cherry walks by with his bottle of wine. Why did it take him so long to arrive here when the action has not moved at all? What did he do between buying the bottle of wine and now? My theory? He was the dog after all! What a twist!

He gives a single coin to the wino with a flourish. He doesn’t actually hand the money to him, but flicks it down at him so the poor man has to scrabble for it.

Having made himself feel better without actually helping another person (because he’s just helping himself) he walks up the street.

What does any of this have to do with the lyrics? The song is not called “Wine Time.” The tone of the video is a bit jokey but the song is very earnest. It doesn’t match up. In addition, this seems like a love song but there no love interest portrayed in the video. Clearly the song is about Eagle-Eye Cherry being in love with himself. But what does he mean by, “Tomorrow I’ll be gone.” Is he planning on ending his own life? Will the dog kill him? Will he separate his multiple personalities into multiple bodies by removing his arms and legs?

The answer to these questions and more: yes.

-PTD

What drives a man to crime? Some [who?] feel it is personal failings. Others [who?] say it is society. Judas Priest [them?] believe that criminals are thrill seekers with nothing to lose.

See it here, “Breaking the Law” by Judas Priest:

The story of this video is relatively simple, but has a few twists that keep it interesting. The basic premise is that the band robs a bank.

The guitar players are disguised as pilgrims.

The idea is the bank security will think, “It’s just two pilgrims with guitar cases! That’s totally normal!” and not be on their guard when the pilgrims reveal that they are bank robbers.

We get a glimpse inside the bank where the security guard is asleep on the job.

Why does he take such an important job so lightly? Stay tuned for the shocking reveal. If you are standing up, you should make plans to sit down sometime in the near future because your legs are guaranteed to buckle later on when the shocking reveal is revealed. For now you can continue standing.

We see the singer in a Cadillac, lamenting his fate.

“Feel as if nobody cares if I live or die.” - These lyrics are brought to you by every 13 year old, everywhere, ever.

The pilgrims move into position:

The singer drives up to meet them outside the bank and they enter the bank together.

Shouldn’t the singer also be dressed as a pilgrim? It seems like two pilgrims and a guy in a suit who is also wearing studded bracelets is even more suspicious than three men carrying semi-automatic submachine guns.

Now we come to the first reveal of the video which is only moderately shocking. You don’t need to sit, but bend your knees slightly and widen your stance.

The guitar players magically change out of their pilgrim outfits into “regular” clothing! When did that happen? Even if the pilgrim outfits were breakaway clothing, I don’t think they had time to rip that stuff off. I am moderately shocked. Extremely moderately shocked.

The sound of the guitar players removing/changing clothing at supersonic speed creates a shock wave that wakens the security guard.

He is evidently shocked by what he sees.

The other bank employees are also shocked. This one recoils in horror.

This one covers his ears in terror.

Is this video telling us that Judas Priest’s music is intolerable and cannot be experienced for even a short period of time? That doesn’t seem like a great message in an ad for your music. I think they’re actually trying to say that the people at the bank are all squares just like your parents and can’t understand the music of these groovy dudes.

This guy is definitely a square.

I have no idea why his glasses shattered, though. __ I think that would require relatively high-pitched music.

Having cowed the bank customers and employees, the band decides to torture them by singing directly at them.

The singer over-emotes.

If you’ve ever heard someone refer to Judas Priest’s “operatic singing” this is what they are referring to.

Here we get a good shot of the dark-haired guitarist.

This isn’t important to the plot of the video, but check out how old he looks! What is he doing in this band?

He is so old he makes Ron Wood

look like Ron Howard.

The band jumps through the teller windows to head for the vault while the bank employees watch, helpless.

The security guard is still watching what is happening on closed circuit television, but he does nothing. Why isn’t the security guard trying to stop them? It doesn’t look like the band is armed or dangerous.

He even seems to be smiling!

The band reaches the vault which instantly opens when they play their guitars at it.

The singer heads right for the bars (why would the vault have bars in addition to the enormous door?) and bends them apart.

Look at this guy, he is like the Green He- Hulk. It is laughable that we are supposed to believe those bars are real as they bend at the singer’s slightest touch. This might have been a good time to spend a little money on special effects.

What is in this bank? You would assume it is money. Well, I think I have to insist that you sit down now, because shocks are about to be revealed. The bank is not filled with money.

It is filled with Judas Priest memorabilia!!!! I actually passed out for 12 hours after writing that last sentence because I was so shocked. I apologize to everyone who lost their jobs due to shock-related missed work days.

Judas Priest memorabilia is not particularly valuable. Also, why would customers come into this bank? To deposit or withdraw various Judas Priest merchandise? The only reasonable explanation is that the band owns this bank and employs people to pretend to run it. Every day the band breaks in, takes a piece of their own merchandising, and make their escape. The employees are hired based on how well they cower. This also explains why the security guard made no effort to stop them.

The band makes their escape. Then we see that the security guard is actually a huge fan of Judas Priest!

Here he is playing air guitar. He is using what is apparently the traditional fake guitar design of English metal heads. The design makes no sense, though, because I have never seen a real guitar like that. It is like an upside down flying V.

Flying V:

(Yes, it was impossible for me to find a picture of a non-topless man playing a flying V.)

This guy’s fake guitar:

The guitar is partially obscured by his dark clothing so you might have to trust me here. It is bananas.

Meanwhile, the band sings and plays while driving away as they presumably do everyday after robbing that fake bank.

One detail I really like is the drummer:

He couldn’t get his drum kit in the car so he is just hitting something in time with his hand.

These thieves are so resourceful.

-PTD