“Be prepared” is the Boy Scout motto. What should we be prepared for, though? That is never made clear. To most it means carrying an umbrella and a warm hat, just in case. But having an umbrella and a hat doesn’t prepare us for a car crashing through the front of our house or every power line in the city falling down and catching fire.

If we could see the future, we would know exactly what to be prepared for.

Unfortunately, we can’t do that. We can just do this:

For anything. Zombie attack? Gravity reversal? A sudden outbreak of violent sneezing? There must be contingencies for all of these.

What would this hyper-preparedness look like? One brave Chicago band, Cmn ineed yr hlp, asks just this.

It is the grass that gets trampled by Cmn ineed yr help:

So, what do we need to be ready in case the worst happens? First of all, we will need to know math to one day rebuild computers and recreate our scientific knowledge. As a result, listening to math rock is really important. It heightens your brain powers so you can more effectively add the numbers together to get sums or even occasionally products. I’m not sure how math rock-y a song in 6/8 really is, but I get that feel from them. Great. We’re well on our way.

So what should we do around the house to be maximally prepared? Let’s ask this man:

He has quite an intrepid look while still seeming amazingly stupid. Awesome.

To start, regular bricks are not enough. Build a second wall next to your current wall using gigantic bricks.

This will prevent small-brick-based attacks.

Make sure to have a radio that takes two different sizes of batteries.

This way, if one size of battery suddenly fails everywhere around the world, you can still listen to Prairie Home Companion.

Keep animals around the house.

They can be eaten or ridden, as appropriate.

Keep a large number of cans of food nearby. Make sure you do not organize them, though, to keep yourself on your toes.

During certain types of emergencies it is easy to become confused. Make sure you label everything in case you forget what it is.

Just preparing your house isn’t enough, though. You must also prepare your body.

First, practice collecting your urine and pretending that it is potable water.

You never know, right?

Then, practice shitting into a paper bag, putting it into a barrel, and burning it.

Frequently, teens are drawn to barrels labelled “Danger: Burning Shit” so it is best to fool them by claiming it is “Radio Active Waste”.

Finally, you must not neglect your mind. Some say that mental preparation is most important. I don’t, but some do.

First, spend several hours a day staring at yourself in a mirror.

This way, if you are blinded in an explosion or a chemical accident you will be able to describe your face to others who have also been blinded.

Also, it is important to make it seem like you can read. Do not do this:

In case you can’t see, he is reading a “Picture Story.. American History.” Everyone will naturally assume you are an idiot if you look at picture books.

Instead, spend a few minutes a day holding a book with words in front of your face.

This makes you seem much smarter.

Finally, it is impossible to think of everything. Regularly peer into your neighbor’s window to see if they are preparing for something you are not.

This is how you can be prepared!

I really like this video. I think it was made pretty cheap, by taking an old video from here:

And then matching it to the music. They really do a good job matching the mood and rhythm of the song with the images you see. The song frequently alternates between a loud rocking bit and more gentle music and they alternate between the calmer (if insane) images I showed above and things like the guy falling down the stairs.

It can be difficult to make a video for an instrumental song. Cmn ineed yr help decide to heighten the feeling of each section of the song with the weird puppet guy. I feel like we get to look inside his head. Cool.

Join me tomorrow for Two Times Tuesday where we look at some nerds.

-PTD