The year was 1991 and the Minnesota Twins had just won the world series for the second time in 4 years. The winning run was scored by none other than Dan Gladden:

As you can guess, he was voted People magazine’s sexiest man alive that year.

The country was gripped by Dan Gladden fever and everyone was trying to cash in. One such man was Alan Jackson:

Don’t try to adjust your TV set, that is a picture of a different person who just happens to share rugged good looks, a sensitive face, and a blonde mustache-plus-mullet combo that makes your heart do flip flops.

In 1992 Jackson released the single “Chattahoochee” a chilling tale of some fun loving teens whose terrible crimes, while never discovered, have changed them forever.

We start with our protagonist desperately trying to forget what he has done by waterskiing.

But he is never able to forget. He remembers his younger self, eschewing water skis for a pickup truck with his friends.

He describes this time in his life as:

Down by the river on a friday night A pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight Talkin’ ‘bout cars and dreamin’ ‘bout women Never had a plan just a-livin’ for the minute.

Unrelated to the plot of this video, I’m sure Alan Jackson, like most artists, would welcome suggestions on how to improve the lyrics to his 30-year-old songs. Mr. Jackson, did you consider the line “Talkin’ ‘bout dreams and carin’ ‘bout women”? In my opinion, that’s so much better. It even implies that you might think about women as people!

Actually, that probably doesn’t really fit with the song. Because the trouble all starts with an aborted attempt at sex. Here we see our protagonist’s past self making the universal “But what about my blue balls?” gesture.

Consumed by lust, the singer committed a crime so unspeakably awful, that he has spent his whole life running from it. He’s done running, though, because although you can run from your problems, run from the law, and run for office, you can’t run from yourself.

The singer prepares to finally admit what he did. This makes him extremely nervous. So first, he checks his pits.

Then, he pats his trusty stuffed dog.

In the end, though, rather than admit his brutal crimes, he just stares into the camera with dead eyes, insisting “We never got caught.”

Maybe you can’t run from yourself, but he’s damn sure going to keep trying.

This is immediately followed by jubilant dancing by this couple featuring the excellent mullet and baseball hat plus bra but no shirt combo.

The musicians, unaware of the shocking reveal that almost happened, enjoy themselves thoroughly.

I really love the smile on the violinist here while the guitarist looks on adoringly.

In the end, this video is about another white man refusing to take any responsibility for his actions. In other words, a true American hero. If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that I learned a lot about livin’, which can not be said for the singer’s victims.

Join me next time when I start to question the nature of your reality.

-PTD