“The ham sandwich theorem takes its name from the case when n = 3 and the three objects of any shape are a chunk of ham and two chunks of bread — notionally, a sandwich — which can then all be simultaneously bisected with a single cut (i.e., a plane).” - from Wikipedia

Wow! They (who?) say open with a quote and I sure picked a doozy today. I think I’m going to throw the clause, “notionally a sandwich,” into some of my conversation and see just what kind of friends I make.

Today is the first edition of Free-for-all Friday where I let my inhibitions run wild and write about whatever catches my fancy. I’ve been thinking a lot about sandwiches lately. Ham sandwiches in particular. What is it about a ham sandwich that makes it the go-to ‘wich? Muslims and Jews don’t eat them, for one thing. That can’t be the only reason, though.

There is also no real standard for what constitutes a ham sandwich. You have ones like this:

That seems like mostly just two pieces of bread that might have something between them. On the opposite end of the spectrum you have this:

That’s really more of a pile of meat than a sandwich. Finally, there is this:

That is practically a work of art. But would you eat it?

Which brings us to this video:

The video seems to be for children based on the name.

However, the letters are talking about how they are so hungry. They can’t eat. Is it because they are too poor? Is it because they are letters and letters, obviously, can’t eat? Is it because the bounds of their mouths sometimes move past the edges of their bodies? This does make us wonder where anything put into they mouth would go. I think children would be terrified by this gang.

Anyways, they decide to sing about sandwiches and they’ve gotta do it…

OLD SCHOOL! No child would understand this.

One of the sandwiches they sing about is the BLT, which for some reason in this song contains cheese.

That’s crazy, right? Does every sandwich need cheese? It isn’t the BCLT!

The song does bring up the ham sandwich question. Naturally cheese is included.

Based on this song a ham sandwich is two pieces of bread with ham and possibly other ingredients (cheese, mustard, mayonnaise). That is our definition.

Armed with this, we can immediately reject the band Ham Sandwich (possibly Ham SandwicH?!?) who appears to be from some sort of foreign country where they speak English. Since this is ostensibly a music video blog you may watch a mildly interesting video for their song Ants:

It’s fine. In it an ant makes dinner and then is foiled in his suicide attempt by a human woman.

Okay, now I think we are ready for our top 5 list, alluded to in the title of this post. I’m proud to present Another Flavor’s Top 5 Ham Sandwiches. As is traditional, we will start from number 5 and work our way up to number 1.

Number 5 :

I like that this ham sandwich is coming soon. It is important for sandwiches to arrive promptly when desired.

Number 4 :

Is this ham sandwich grilled or something? That seems amazing. The cheese looks melted and a bit greasy, but in a good way.

Number 3 :

I feel like there’s something interesting and exciting happening here. Is everything shredded up and all mixed together in there? I don’t know but I’d love to find out.

Number 2 :

This ham sandwich is boldly frank. There is something about the thick slices of tomato and big folds of ham that is really exciting. This sandwich is not fancy, but it is lots of what you want and nothing you don’t.

And now, the ham sandwich you’ve been waiting for, Another Flavor’s Top Ham Sandwich. Number 1 :

This one is really for connoisseurs. Is that a sesame bagel or just a hearty sesame roll? The round shape goes well with the [pile-of-ham approach](http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/nov/24/premierleague- westhamunited) to the meat. It appears that there is no cheese to distract from the flavor of high quality ham. Excellent looking sandwich. WOOOOOOOOOO!

I’ll be back on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend.

-PTD

Since starting this blog I have spent a lot of time on YouTube. I’ve always tried to not be from the internet. Ideally, I would never understand any memes (the best would be if I didn’t even know what a meme was ) or anything that anyone in a comment section was talking about. From hours of wading through videos and clicking link after link, though, I have come across some real gems.

As a result, I present to you Another Flavor’s 5 Best Things on YouTube (That Aren’t Music Videos).

1. Best Show - Yacht Rock

Yacht Rock tells the story of really smooth music. Steely Dan, Doobie Brothers, Hall and Oates, and Kenny Loggins are all featured. It is originally from Dan Harmon’s Channel 101 online TV network, but is also available on YouTube. Each episode tells the story of a really smooth song.

What is so great about Yacht Rock? Take a look at the first episode. There is a bizarre blend of the real (Michael McDonald being a new member of the Doobie Brothers) and the crazy (Jimmy Messina, homeless and drunk, inspiring What a Fool Believes). And the nautical jokes! “He’s swimming in a sea of sadness.” They really commit to the idea that all the makers of smooth music knew each other and all believed in the raw power of really smooth music. If you like music, TV, both, or all three, you’ll love Yacht Rock.

2. Best Comment - John Knox

YouTube comments are like if you were in a sewer and you needed to poop so you found a toilet in the sewer. Once you were done you flushed. Where would your poop go? It must go someplace worse and more disgusting than the sewer. This is the YouTube comment section. If you read the comments for this video you will see about 1,000 cases of some 12-year-old boy saying that he would have sex with the lead singer of the band. Duh. 12-year-olds would have sex with anyone or anything if they could. These comments are extremely sexist and annoying. Who mentioned sex? Why, when these people see a woman, do they only think about whether or not they would want to have sex with her? Is it because they have never had sex and no one will ever want to sleep with them? Is it because they are terribly alone?

Anyways, eventually you would come across this comment from John Knox:

“My name is brodie, mow mow mow mow, tch mow mow mow, tsh mow mow mow.”

Brody is the name of the singer of the band and one of the lines of the song is, “My name is Brody I’m from Melbourne. Fitzroy Melbourne Fitzroy Melbourne.” That’s what The Distillers want you to think, anyway. I think John Knox has more accurately depicted what she is singing.

Why is that comment so good? I don’t know. Sometimes I think about it in my tender moments and laugh. I imagine Brody sitting down to work on the lyrics and writing, earnestly, “My name is Brody mow mow mow mow.” She stops, pencil eraser in her mouth, to think. “Tch mow mow mow,” she writes. “Tsh mow mow mow.” If only every YouTube commenter made me feel like John Knox does I would make an effort to read the YouTube comments more often.

Note: All non-sexist comments on YouTube make some sort of reference to high school and claim that things happening in 2003 were “old school”. Do not take one excellent comment as a license to read YouTube comments. You will regret it.

3. Best Theme Song - Angel

Mmm, Angel. Angel’s theme song is so good that I think every serious show should use it and then just whisper the name of the show at the end of the credits when all the bells are ringing, early-episodes- of-Sliders-style.

The Angel theme song takes you on a journey. It opens with mysterious synths. Then a bell rings while a cello starts playing. Spooky. Then drums kick in and a guitar joins the cello. Each change in the song is accompanied by bell ringing. The song builds to a climax with a high cello note and the bells ring us out. I end each listen satisfied, happy, and slightly damp.

If you know how to video the YouTubes I highly recommend you go in and replace all theme songs with the Angel theme song. You won’t regret it.

4. Best Fan-Made Video - Side Kick by Rancid (animated)

I like Rancid. I like this song, too, although I think it would be better if every instance of Wolverine was replaced with She-Hulk. Sometimes, though, you want to see a song and not just hear it. That’s probably why I like music videos so much. So we are lucky that this fan, armed with MS Paint, created this video.

The thing I like best about it is this sequence:

Such artistry to his expressions. Wolverine usually expresses himself through drinking and waving his claws around, but here we see everything through his face. His claws don’t even move. And look at those trees and that grass in the background. That detail isn’t necessary but I think it adds something. This guy went through a lot of trouble to provide literal illustrations of every line in the video. And he didn’t bother to check his spelling. But that is fine. This video also makes me feel good.

Just look at this:

Those people really believe they are doing the right thing by calling the cops, and that is the beauty of this video.

5. Best Book Collection Explanation - Danzig

This was the hardest category for me to choose from. There are so many good book collection explanations on YouTube these days, but this one ultimately feels the best to me. “Welcome to my book collection.” What an opening.

I love all his smiles in this video. He smiles after speaking of the true story of a werewolf who comes out of the woods shaking a baby in his mouth. Or this picture:

“Every school child should have this book.” Hilarious. The whole video is a weird blend of mock serious and totally not serious. And then there’s the last line, “If you believe in any of that stuff.” Man, Danzig. Danzig Danzig Danzig. His name is Danzig mow mow mow mow.

-PTD