Aren’t you bummed that the second Airplane! movie wasn’t called Airplanes!? I’ve been thinking about airplanes because I am going on a flight today. As a people, we are scared of flying. I certainly am. Flying is an extremely dangerous way to travel. The only ways to travel more dangerous are by train, by motorcycle, by bike, by foot, and by car. But that’s it. Oh, boats are more dangerous, too. Did you know that you are more likely to die in a plane crash than to be killed in a shirt factory fire? Chilling.

Car-related side note: In Chicago after a snow, it is traditional for people save their precious parking spot by blocking it off with lawn furniture. People who are new to Chicago get really excited about this tradition and decide to partake of it immediately. They don’t understand the rules, though. In case you are one of these people let me lay it down for you and see if you can pick it up.
1. You must have shoveled the spot out. This is the most important! If all you did was block some of the falling snow with your car, you may not save your spot.
2. You only get to save it for a day. Maybe two, but probably not. Shoveling out a spot once does not reserve it for the whole winter.
3. People are allowed to steal your lawn furniture. Sorry, it’s just a fact of life.
I hope these rules allow you to fully enjoy dangerously driving around on slippery roads at 10 miles an hour over the speed limit!

Okay, back on track. So, I know deep down that flying isn’t dangerous especially compared to driving. I’m still frightened about it. This Burt Reynolds quote really explains it, “My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave.” When you are in an airplane, there is nowhere for you to go. You can be in Alfred Hitchcock’s favorite situation: You know something bad is going to happen and there is nothing you can do about it. Now, I know I should be approximately 400 times more scared when I’m riding in a car, but I’m not. I imagine that I could just hup out the window at 70 miles an hour and roll to safety. This is why I always recommend practicing jumping out of speeding cars on the freeway. You won’t regret it.

Anyways, this trapped feeling shows up in music videos. Did you know that Another Flavor is a blog about music videos? And that on Twosday we talk about two videos with something in common? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.

Today we’ll be looking at the video for Britney Spears’s Toxic and Foo Fighters’ Learn to Fly. Let’s start with Toxic.

First off, isn’t Toxic a great song? It really is.

Spears is addicted to her man. She needs him. But she’s on a plane because she is a flight attendant from 1960s space:

So what can she do? She’s gotta grab some random dude and drag him into the bathroom.

She has no choice. She’s trapped. That’s what happens when you get on an airplane.

Unlike Spears’s harrowing story of unfulfilled sexual desire, Foo Fighters warn us of the dangers of drinking non-alcoholic beverages in their video for Learn to Fly.

I’m not sure how I feel about this video. I’m not a huge fan of men dressed as women in fat suits.

Disgusting. Fat people are not inherently funny! Neither is cross dressing!

This video does show the trapped feeling of being on a plane well, though. Almost everyone drinks drugged coffee.

This leaves the alcohol-only members of Foo Fighters to save the day. Normally, you’d be able to call for experts in a disaster situation, but when you are in a plane you only have the people you took off with. This is what is so terrifying. Just look at Lost! Imagine having to spend 6 seasons with whoever happened to be on a plane with you! Crazy.

If I don’t die in a fiery wreck, I’ll be back tomorrow with more music video goodness!

-PTD

Say what you will about Britney Spears’s musical talent. Go ahead! I want you to say it. Out loud. Okay, now I’ll say what I will about her talent. Her songs (or her hits at least since those are her only songs I’m familiar with) are excellent. Catchy and danceable, these hits still cause every wedding attendee to immediately jump onto their chairs and wave their arms around.

I guess I don’t know how responsible Britney Spears herself is responsible for this. I don’t know if she wrote these songs or had a hand in selecting them or what. I’m certainly not going to try and find out because I’m too tired. Actually, this tiredness means I will try to keep this short and sweet. Anyways, since Britney Spears is the artist I think she is the responsible one. If the songs are good it is because of her. And if they were bad (which they aren’t) it would be her fault. Okay.

The song is called …Baby One More Time. That is strange because it starts with an ellipse and doesn’t contain all the words in the hook. Maybe she didn’t want to call the song Hit Me (Baby One More Time), but she has no problem singing that over and over. I mean, asking to be hit is bad, but I kinda think she doesn’t want to be attacked. It means something else, probably something to do with drugs. Also, the ellipse allows the song to begin with the word baby. That might be significant as we are about to see.

…Baby One More Time by Britney Spears:

At the opening, Britney Spears is bored.

Look at her hair! How old do you think she is supposed to be? 14? 15? I feel like any older than 15 is absolutely impossible for that hair. Now we see why the song is titled “Baby”.

She is a really sexy 15, though.

Are people really sexually attracted to 15 year olds? Or are they attracted to women trying to pretend they are 15? I wonder how old Spears is in this video for real. I remember her being quite young. Even if she was 30, though, the fact that we are supposed to be simultaneously attracted to her and to think she is in high school is ridiculous. What is wrong with us?

For the second verse she switches to a sports bra and sweatpants.

Her hair is different, too, but it is still in infantile pigtail-type things. Now she might be 16. Still way too young for adults. Okay, I understand that the target audience for her music and videos is not adults, but c’mon. Simultaneously dressing her as sexily as possible while making her hair as young as possible is fucked up, right? I don’t think it matters what the audience is. We shouldn’t want to have sex with Shirley Temple. Or at least I don’t. Is she even still alive?

The third verse at first glance makes it seem like Spears has grown up.

Once we can see all of her hair, though, it is clear that she is still sporting pigtails. Does she just have one off-center thing going on there? It is unclear. Not flattering. I think I’d rate this hairstyle appropriate for a 12 year old.

She’s still dressed super sexy, though.

She is also holding a ball while looking at us significantly.

That’s right, hold the ball! Hold the ball! Yes!

I wish that this video could be as great as the song. I have to stress that I really like this song and I think Britney Spears is great. It’s just that the sexy baby phenomenon is really depressing. We should think adult women are sexy and that young girls are not. This is my belief.

I just have more one thing to say about the video, which is about the lip synching. In this song there is one main vocal line and occasional oh yeah yeahs and baby babies that are more part of the beat than the vocal lines.

But for some reason they still show her singing them! It is weird!

Look at her oh yeahing here:

Just pick a single vocal line and have the singer sing it! If you have lip synching then you are presenting a fake live performance. If you then have people deviate from the main vocal line it takes away the veneer of live singing. It means I just get distracted.

Oh well. That’s it, I’m done. I’ll be back next week with more music videos and a whole new weekly format.

Are you excited? Get excited.

-PTD