Lots of songs are at some level about sex, but sometimes an artist writes a song that is so baldly about sex that the video requires special handling. You can’t reasonably have the singer “doin’ the deed”, “going all the way”, or any other suitable euphemism, so the artist needs to take a different approach.

Let’s examine a few classic examples from most suggestive to least (meaning the most overtly about sex).

First, we have I Need You Tonight by INXS:

It starts with some good looking men being funky, sexy, and weird.

The guy pretending to play drums is an especially nice touch.

Then the singer gets even more sexual as he starts to thrust.

In case you missed the subleties, we get a “SEX” pin in the background.

Classy.

Next up is Pony by Genuwine:

This creative spelling enthusiast decides to take the name “Pony” as an opportunity to blow the minds of some cowboy-style country bumpkins with the fact that he likes to have sex.

It starts with some suggestive dancing, just like INXS.

Then, we see a woman riding a mechanical bull. Or a pony, if you will.

In case you didn’t quite understand all the subtext of these lyrics:

If you’re horny, let’s do it

Ride it, my pony

He helpfully points at his crotch.

Finally, we have Closer by Nine Inch Nails:

This one has by far the most direct lyrics but starts out the most abstract.

It uses the well known “monkey on a cross” metaphor for sex.

With the slightly less known “looking at a toilet in a truly filthy bathroom” modification.

Then, it uses the horrifying “split meat” imagery.

I don’t even want to know.

By the end, we get the singer chained up and grinding his hips.

I’m starting to detect a pattern. Here is the process for making a video for a highly sexual song:

1. Everyone’s a little embarassed. Try to make it a little arty.
2. Oh crap, people might not get it! Add some sexy dancing.
3. Fuck it, let’s just show the singer thrusting.

I hope you find this recipe helpful if you find yourself making such a video. You might as well go straight to step 3 since you’ll end up there anyway.

Join me next week when we discuss a teenage guide to popularity.

-PTD