The average American eats 100 pounds of live spiders a night. Now, we all know this totally verifiable, true fact. But most people don’t realize that it wasn’t always the case.

In 1936, a spider/musician known only as Mr. Nimbles released the smash hit “(The Inside of a Sleeping Person’s Mouth is) The Best Place to Die”. (Always remember to whisper the part in parentheses.) Before this, the average American was lucky to swallow a single pound of live spiders in a night. But after the popularization of this catchy tune, spiders nearing their demise (most spiders die after a few months of life) were flocking to the closest bedroom to end their life inside a sleeping person’s mouth.

Why am I telling you all of this when you could easily research it yourself if you gave even a single shit about anything?

The point is that a single song can change the world.

It might be hard to remember, but until the mid 1990s it was typical for teens to go steady throughout high school and then get married immediately after graduation. In fact, it was so common that the high school principal would usually perform a mass marriage ceremony as soon as all the graduate’s caps had hit the ground. More than one inattentive grad ended up accidentally married by remaining in her seat too long.

The song Popular by Nada Surf changed all that:

After this song came out, while teen pregnancy remained as common as ever, teen marriage became far less common. And, unlike Mr. Nimbles, Nada Surf managed to remain alive long enough after the recording of the song to make a music video.

Let’s take a look.

It opens with some cheerleaders (inexplicably in uniform) chatting by a locker.

Then we see a teacher addressing the class. He must be a substitute because he writes his name on the board and we can infer that it isn’t the first day of school because there appears to be other writing on the board already as well.

He is lecturing about being direct when breaking up with someone.

The cheerleader starts daydreaming about someone.

Is is someone she loves, or is she thinking about breaking up with this person?

Turns out its the quarterback.

A cop or overzealous security guard pops up to inspect his locker.

The teacher gets really passionate during his speech, removing his glasses partially to make a point and partially to wipe a portion of the copious sweat he’s worked up.

In a bold move, he emphasizes another point by emphatically putting his glasses back on.

For some reason he uses two hands.

In an even bolder move, he immediately removes his glasses again for emphasis. He’s truly a master of glasses-based rhetoric.

The cheerleader nods along to the speech. It all makes sense!

Then, we see Nada Surf playing in the football field between the football team’s practice and the cheerleading team’s practice.

The coach helpfully yells abusive encouragement at the quarterback.

Oh man, the singer/guitar player is the teacher and the drummer is the football coach.

And the bass player is the cop.

I kinda like how they have the drummer on stage and also coaching the team.

Now the teacher needs visual aids to describe the steps needed to be attractive enough to find a high school mate.

My favorite slide is this person who is somehow simultaneously smiling and flossing.

The cheerleader day dreams about the quarterback.

Then, the teacher starts to describe what all his speechifying has been leading up to: a one month limit on going steady.

The cheerleader kisses the quarterback in the stands.

Suddenly, though, she hits her limit.

I really love actively kissing him and then suddenly rejecting him as if he is disgusting. Classic high school move.

While still sitting in the stands, she spots her next man.

What a cool sexy dude.

The quarterback hits the showers.

Meanwhile, the cheerleader and her new man make up for lost time in the stands.

Then he hits the showers.

But there’s no hard feelings.

Really, that message of “no hard feelings” is what changed the world. I almost wish I was back in high school.

Almost.

-PTD

Lots of songs are at some level about sex, but sometimes an artist writes a song that is so baldly about sex that the video requires special handling. You can’t reasonably have the singer “doin’ the deed”, “going all the way”, or any other suitable euphemism, so the artist needs to take a different approach.

Let’s examine a few classic examples from most suggestive to least (meaning the most overtly about sex).

First, we have I Need You Tonight by INXS:

It starts with some good looking men being funky, sexy, and weird.

The guy pretending to play drums is an especially nice touch.

Then the singer gets even more sexual as he starts to thrust.

In case you missed the subleties, we get a “SEX” pin in the background.

Classy.

Next up is Pony by Genuwine:

This creative spelling enthusiast decides to take the name “Pony” as an opportunity to blow the minds of some cowboy-style country bumpkins with the fact that he likes to have sex.

It starts with some suggestive dancing, just like INXS.

Then, we see a woman riding a mechanical bull. Or a pony, if you will.

In case you didn’t quite understand all the subtext of these lyrics:

If you’re horny, let’s do it

Ride it, my pony

He helpfully points at his crotch.

Finally, we have Closer by Nine Inch Nails:

This one has by far the most direct lyrics but starts out the most abstract.

It uses the well known “monkey on a cross” metaphor for sex.

With the slightly less known “looking at a toilet in a truly filthy bathroom” modification.

Then, it uses the horrifying “split meat” imagery.

I don’t even want to know.

By the end, we get the singer chained up and grinding his hips.

I’m starting to detect a pattern. Here is the process for making a video for a highly sexual song:

1. Everyone’s a little embarassed. Try to make it a little arty.
2. Oh crap, people might not get it! Add some sexy dancing.
3. Fuck it, let’s just show the singer thrusting.

I hope you find this recipe helpful if you find yourself making such a video. You might as well go straight to step 3 since you’ll end up there anyway.

Join me next week when we discuss a teenage guide to popularity.

-PTD

Men - love them or hate them, you probably hate them. Can you hear it now? Hundreds of “Men’s Rights Activists” are emailing me to tell me I’m being sexist. Of course, it is impossible to be sexist against men (LOOK IT UP), but that’s not going to stop them. Just consult the chart.

By the way, if you know who created this chart, please let me know so I can give them credit.

Anyway, the opposite of “Men’s Rights” is sisterhood. And what better way to show your sisterhood than to start a band with your sisters?

The members of Haim did just that as the instrumentalists backing Glenn Danzig in the band Samhain. When Danzig decided to leave the band, they changed their name to Haim, since they are Samhain sans Danzig (LOOK IT UP).

Enough history lessons, let’s take a look at a video. The Wire by Haim:

The video starts simply enough, with a man and a woman. The woman, one of the Haims, sits at a table, waiting for a man.

She is exquisitely bored.

While she’s singing, the women at the table behind her suddenly joins in, just like in a musical.

I love touches like this so much. I mean, she’s sitting at a table singing. Why wouldn’t someone around provide a little back-up?

Unfortunately, since they are singing about a man, this video fails to pass the Bechdel test, but sometimes it’s hard to bring down a (the?) man without speaking truth to power, or speaking about a man, or even speaking to a man.

Which man? This doof.

What a doof.

He has a wedding ring.

This can’t end well.

The man and the women are finally together.

I love how he reaches to touch her hand warmly while she uses the hand to scroll on a phone she is clearly looking at instead of paying attention to the man.

She immediately breaks up with him, even before he can reveal the ring. Turns out boring your partner is not the key to romantic success.

And the weeping begins.

Next, we see another Haim approach a bar where a smiling bartender approaches expectantly.

He is sharply rebuffed.

Confused, he checks his phone.

The peace sign here really does it for me.

And the weeping continues.

Next, we see the third Haim strolling happily with a hunk.

They are accosted by a tiny man who thought that he was still in a relationship with the woman, just because she never explicitly broke up with him.

Both the Haim and the hunk make perfect “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” faces.

The tiny man refuses to understand.

Suspecting that he might not comprehend language, she resorts to pantomime.

“I hug hunk now, not you.”

Henry Thoreau once said

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

He was talking about this man.

Broken, the men reach out to each other.

To try and keep themselves together, the men use anger to mask their true feelings.

It doesn’t work.

Eventually, all three men are on the phone weeping openly. Possibly even blubbering.

What about the Haims? They are just rockin’ out.

While they play, the men weep and reminisce about the good times. One finds an old birthday card.

The message brings him hope!

I really love the double underline and exclamation point. As a positive birthday wish it’s more menacing than anything else.

The men rush to the show to triumphantly reunite with their respective Haims.

The response?

Nah.

Turns out ignoring your partner when she tells you that she doesn’t want to see you anymore is also not the key to romantic success.

Time to get weeping.

Join me next week when we talk about doing the deed.

-PTD